


CYOA: Goro Akechi and his very hungry roomba

by bloominginthenight



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Choose Your Own Adventure, Choose Your Own Ending, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Interactive Fiction, M/M, Nonsense, Roombas, akechi voice catboy rights, and crepes!, there's dogs!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 4,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloominginthenight/pseuds/bloominginthenight
Summary: You are Goro Akechi. You come home from a long day of murdering your way around Tokyo for sport and pining after your achingly straight rival who you dream of kissing antagonistically under the moonlight.You have plans for later today, but first, you have to feed your roomba.A really trashy Shuakeshu Choose Your Own Adventure with 15 possible endings.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 58
Kudos: 53





	1. 0

**Author's Note:**

> This might be the worst thing I've ever written, but once I started, I got possessed and only awoke when I was already done. My first contribution to the shuakeshu fandom and it's a crack CYOA instead of the 30k romantic enemies-to-lovers slow ballroom dancing assassin goro x target akiren cinderella AU that's been sitting on my desktop for months now. yes that's a mouthful but don't claim you aren't intrigued.
> 
> Thank you to @LovelyLotus for inspiring such a wave of Shuakeshu CYOA on twitter! It was such a treat to read hers and all the other threads. Here's me blasting the CYOA romances up by throwing a roomba into the mix.
> 
> It's crack treated seriously. Don't say I didn't warn you. I wrote this all in one night and one day.
> 
> Come talk to me on twitter! https://twitter.com/Laurentiiia
> 
> VERY IMPORTANT:  
> \- Don't read this as an entire work or select chapters. There will be links in each chapter that take you to the next part!  
> \- There's a special ending for each of the four routes. It's important that you click on the "Try again" afterwards instead of going a page back in your browser. Trust me, you don't wanna miss the meta content that appears once you finish a route!  
> \- hint hint. there's a secret final route that's ridiculously easy to find. but if you're having trouble, check ch22 after finishing all other routes. this is only for accessibility. I trust y'all to not just zap through.

_(Make sure you have read the important rules in the author's notes before starting!)_

You are Goro Akechi. You come home from a long day of murdering your way around Tokyo for sport and pining after your achingly straight rival who you dream of kissing antagonistically under the moonlight.

You have plans for later today, but right now, an incessant beeping catches your attention. It's your roomba, the only thing in this life that ever mattered to you. It knocks against your feet and beeps at you yearningly; you haven't fed it yet today.

WHAT WILL YOU FEED THE ROOMBA?

  1. [Your favourite sock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619631)
  2. [Crumpled up picture of Ren](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620273)
  3. [1000 Yen note](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621479)
  4. [orange juice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621689)




	2. 1

They say love takes sacrifices to last. In this case, the sacrifice is one of your favourite limited edition Neo Featherman R socks. You watch the roomba gobble it up greedily, silently whispering promises to your disappearing sock about meeting in the afterlife. You're prepared to sacrifice the second one too, but your roomba makes a strangled noise that you interpret as it being satisfied. Wiping a single tear from your eyes, you go to your bedroom to get ready for your meeting.

You can't find a single pair of socks that matches. In the end, you're forced to wear mismatching ones lest you want to miss another train.

When you arrive at the jazz club half an hour too late, Ren is already there, looking a curious mix between miserable and angry. You apologise profusely. Ren suddenly notices your mismatched socks. He starts twirling a lock of black hair around his finger. "ahaha mismatched socks are sooo sexy," he purrs.

YOU RESPOND:  
  
a) [My socks aren't the only thing not straight about me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619955)  
b) [It's actually a metaphor, Amamiya, but you wouldn't understand](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620114)  
c) [*loudly slurp your gay cocktail* wanna shop for socks together?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620198)


	3. 1a

Ren seems confused and after a moment downright hurt. "I thought you were heterosexual like me," he says, pushing his chair back and standing up, "but now we can't be together, because that would be gay"

You break into tears as you watch heterosexual Ren Amamiya walk out of your life in pursuit of a new homoerotic rival. You have the feeling that you did something terribly wrong. In the distance, you hear mechanical whirring.

BAD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)  



	4. 1b

You infodump about dead philosophers for three hours. The jazz singer has to quit her performance because you drown her out with your incessant ranting, but you register it only vaguely, too busy explaining to Ren how mismatched socks symbolise the yin and yang of our souls and how even polar opposites can work together in harmony. Along the way, you manage to talk about the meaning of life and happiness too.

When you awake from your trance, you see Ren kneeling on one knee in front of you, eyes wide in wonder. "Akechi- what is your last name again?" he asks, but then clears his throat. "Akechi Akechi, that was the hottest thing I've ever heard, please enter a marriage of political convenience with me." In his palm lies the straw of his cocktail, bent and crooked to resemble a ring.

You're crying so many happy tears that you're making the whole jazz club cry with you. People sue you for emotional damages, but the proposal was worth it. You and Ren spend a long life by each other's side and your roomba son dines only on the finest sock cuisine from that day on. You never take the straw ring off again.

GOOD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	5. 1c

Ren delights at your offer. "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" he cries out. The jazz club owner mistakes the scene and throws you a party, but all you really care about is sock shopping. Together, you and Ren sneak from your engagement party to the sock shop.

With the engagement money the jazz club visitors threw at you, you two buy matching mismatched socks. Your heart feels warm as you and Ren slip under the covers together that night and bump your feet together playfully. He's wearing avocado socks and you're wearing toast socks. A match for the ages.

The next day, you two start a sock business together and it goes so well that you bring every other sock shop out of business and now hold the monopoly on mismatched socks. You use your newfound capitalistic power to venture into the business of pet socks solely so you can produce matching egg socks for your roomba.

SOCK END (SPECIAL END)  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621965)


	6. 2

You take your most prized possession out of your pocket: A crumpled polaroid of you and Ren where it's evident in the way you're angrily looking at his smiling face that you want him dead. You tenderly stroke over the glossy paper with one finger before throwing it on the ground, heart heavy.  
  
The roomba munches it up reluctantly as if your sad homosexual pining is the worst thing it ever tasted.

You're scheduled to have dinner with Ren later, but you're not feeling it. He notices over the call and offers to come over and cook curry at yours instead.  
  
When he gets there, he blushes and asks if you kept yesterday's picture, rambling about how he wanted to make a copy of it because you looked so pretty in it (?).

  
  
YOU RESPOND:  
  
a) [My roomba ate it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621263)  
b) [I ate it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621296)  
c) [The dog ate it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621365)


	7. 2a

Affirmative electronical noises from somewhere in the room confirm your statement. Ren looks taken aback by your response and a bit sad. Before you can stop yourself, you offer him to just take new pictures together. He brightens up at your suggestion.

You spend the next few hours taking increasingly homoerotic polaroids together. Every once in a while when Ren looks away, you feed one of them to your happy roomba, while Ren snacks on a few polaroids here and there too when he thinks you aren't looking. You kiss in one picture. Life is good.

You can't stop staring at all your new memories that night, your yearning for Ren stronger than ever. Crying happy tears, you stuff your mouth full of polaroids. They taste like Ren.

GOOD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	8. 2b

You blurt out the lie without thinking about it. Ren suddenly breaks into tears, saying that he just wanted to lick the glossy paper just once and had an elaborate plan to get his hands on it, but now he can never do that because of you. You feel terrible and look to your roomba for help. It warbles evilly into your direction.

By now, Ren is stuck in a monologue about how you're "always eating your own feelings" and how he thought you changed. You break into tears and promise him to not eat any paper ever again. He seems to consider for a moment, but then leaves you on the ground nevertheless, saying that he does not wish to impose such a cruel fate even on you.

Your roomba bumps against your back while beeping gleefully at you. You lie in a pool of your own tears and vow to never eat paper again, forgetting that you didn't eat it in the first place.

BAD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	9. 2c

Ren frowns, saying that you don't have a dog and that you should just be honest with him. You shake your head, claiming it's true. Ren starts an argument with you about your perception of reality. You have to put a stop to it before you get the urge to murder him again.

In your desperation, you swing open the bedroom door and unleash your best-kept secret on Ren. He shouts in delight. Your dogs are terrifying in size and expression, but he doesn't seem to mind as he lets Loki slobber all over his face while petting Robin. You think you've never seen him more happy.

Ren immediately marries you on the spot because of your dogs, moving you to tears. Your roomba "accidentally" gets trampled to death by Loki, a justified sacrifice. You never think of it again.

DOGGO END (SPECIAL END)  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73622103)


	10. 3

You look into your wallet and pull out the only note you have left, throwing it to your roomba like a bone to a dog. The roomba slurps the note up in one quick motion, a delighted sound escaping it that's similar to how your local ATM sounded like after swallowing your credit card, never to be seen again.

You pat it a few times and compliment it. It delights under your praise and goes to nap for a few hours.

Later, you meet in Shibuya with Ren. He looks downright beautiful today with his unwashed hoodie and unkempt bird's nest of hair. You're enticed and go to buy crepes for the two of you, but then find your wallet empty. Ren has to pay for the both of you and mumbles under his breath that that means no train ride home for him today. You feel awful.

WILL YOU:  
  
a) [Beg people on the street for change](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621533)  
b) [Carry him back to his home bridal style](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621569)  
c) [Rob a bank](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621614)


	11. 3a

Ren trails after you curiously. At first, you only ask for change for a train ticket, but soon you and Ren are roped into an elaborate fake dating plot where you have to get the funds to elope together because your homophobic father wants the two of you dead. Which… isn't actually that far off from the truth.

Passersby are moved to tears, throwing their money at you. You buy Ren another crepe with extra strawberries. He shares one of them with you by bringing it to your lips with his own. You've never tasted anything sweeter.

You two decide to elope for real, leaving Tokyo together and living in the countryside in a cozy cottage together. Your roomba is nowhere to be found.

GOOD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	12. 3b

While Ren is still snacking on his crepe, you swoop him up in one elegant motion and start walking him back to Yongen-Jaya. He squeaks and blushes, but instead of struggling, he cuddles up to you and meows quietly like a content cat.

Unfortunately, your arms are lanky and lack the muscle required to pull this stunt off. Maybe you shouldn't have gotten lazy and gotten a roomba when you could have swung a vaccuum cleaner instead and trained your noodle arms with the exercise. You drop Ren after a whopping 13,7 seconds. He screeches in fear and falls right on his butt. You try to pick him up again, but only manage to carry him for 4,2 seconds this time before dropping him loudly.

Ren starts meowing in pain and protest. Unfortunately, your little stunt has catapulted him right into catspace. He scratches your ankle in frustration which is still broken from when you slipped on orange juice in a past life. You collapse with a scream and die.

BAD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	13. 3c

You pull a successful heist on the nearest bank, in the process impressing Ren who still can't let go of his Phantom Thief past and has to make do with stealing bubblegum from the station's vending machines.

You now have enough money for not only crepes but also everything else you could ever want. The sheer capitalistic pressure of being at the top of the food chain overwhelms you and you break into tears, sobbing into your money as it's the only thing that you'll ever have from now on.

Ren surprises you by taking your hand and wiping the tears from your eyes. He tells you that he doesn't care about you being rich, he just wants to pull more heists. You agree and together you live a successful crime life. Your favourite couple's activity is burning money in a huge pyre each night.

CRIME END (SPECIAL END)  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73622154)


	14. 4

You pour a whole litre of orange juice on the ground. The roomba immediately goes to town, slobbering it up greedily. You feel proud knowing you have nourished your son yet another day. You slip on the remains of the orange juice and break your ankle, but think that it's a justified sacrifice.  
  
Ren comes over later for dinner. You dreamily watch him poke at the uncooked ramen you served him, lost in his sterling grey eyes. Suddenly, he voices a craving for orange juice. You curse yourself for emptying the whole litre for your roomba son before.  
  
Speaking of which, all of a sudden your roomba starts vibrating at a high intensity.

WHAT DO YOU DO?  
  
a) [Throw your glass at it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621749)  
b) [murder! murder!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621830)  
c) [tape a knife to the roomba to hunt Ren for sport](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621914)


	15. 4a

Unexpectedly, the roomba catches your glass and puts it down gently, filling it up with orange juice as it does. It makes kissy faces at Ren while smirking evilly into your general direction. You're overcome with the need to smash your new juice machine to smithereens.

Ren doesn't notice. He's so impressed by your roomba's ability to dispense orange juice that the two decide to elope together. Together, they _vroom_ into the sunset, leaving you in a puddle of your own tears. The only two things in your life you don't wanna murder, gone to be with each other. You can never bring yourself to drink orange juice again.

BAD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	16. 4b

Your hand twitches and you're overcome with the need to _kill_. You stab Ren a few times in preparation; it's okay, he's used to it. He pats your shoulder encouragingly as you charge at the roomba.

It's a battle to the death that neither of you are keen on losing. You can feel your heart thrashing wildly in your ribcage as you're fighting for your life. Knowing Ren is watching gives you new determination.

Finally, with a pained cry, you manage to stab your knife through the roomba, pinning it to the ground. You collapse on your back, the fight having taken its toll on you. Ren rushes over to hold you in his arms.

"Ren… My love…" you mutter out with your last strength, but it's too late. You die in his arms as he's telling you to stop being an overdramatic bitch.

For the next five years, you pretend to be a ghost of your former self who haunts Ren's apartment. He doesn't mind because you wash the dishes, take out the spiders and cuddle well.

GOOD END  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619472)


	17. 4c

The roomba stabs Ren's ankle repeatedly with utmost determination. After Ren manages to defeat it by flipping it upside down, he lets you homoerotically bandage his wounds. He tells you that wounds have to be kissed better, so you do exactly that. There's a bright smile on his face.

When he leaves for the night, you kiss him goodbye, thinking that this is the best possible outcome of this shitty choose your own adventure story that you're frankly getting sick of.

You get back inside after a tearful goodbye, only to see your roomba charging at you, spinning at a high velocity with various knifes taped to its round form! It's become aware of its power and is now leading a one-man-revolution against you. You two fight a battle to the death that you lose because you suck at quicktime events. There's no orange juice in the afterlife. You cry.

  
  
JUICELESS END (SPECIAL END)  
[Try again?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73622217)  



	18. 0.1

You are Goro Akechi. You come home from a long day of shopping for socks and pining after your achingly straight rival who you dream of cuddling while wearing matching socks. You hate how your yearning gets weirder with each day.

Last night, a figure appeared in your dreams. It looked like Ren, but also like a sock puppet. You don't wanna question it.   
  
It shared its wisdom with you: "(1/4) https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73 __ __ __". You don't know what the fuck that means, so you ignore it. For now. Maybe you should write it down, though.

You have plans for later today, but right now, an incessant beeping catches your attention. It's your roomba, the only thing in this life that ever mattered to you. It knocks against your feet and starts munching on your socks; you haven't fed it yet today.

WHAT WILL YOU FEED THE ROOMBA?

  1. [Your favourite sock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619631)
  2. [Crumpled up picture of Ren](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620273)
  3. [1000 Yen note](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621479)
  4. [orange juice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621689)




	19. 0.2

You are Goro Akechi. You come home from a long day of walking all of your dogs one by one and pining after your rival who's sadly a catboy which makes you unsure if he would even like your companions. You still dream of kissing him antagonistically under the moonlight.

Loki comes charging at you when you enter the apartment. He suddenly barks a combination of numbers and letters at you: "(2/4) https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/__ 62 __ __". You wonder if this was really a verbal conversation or just your imagination. Nevertheless, you think it's best to hold onto the memory of what Loki told you.

You have plans for later today, but right now, an incessant beeping catches your attention. It's your roomba, the only thing in this life that ever mattered to you beside your dogs. It tries to outrun Robin playing with it and beeps at you all frightened; you haven't fed it yet today, so it's low in strength and in danger of getting tackled by your overzealous dog.

WHAT WILL YOU FEED THE ROOMBA?

  1. [Your favourite sock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619631)
  2. [Crumpled up picture of Ren](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620273)
  3. [1000 Yen note](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621479)
  4. [orange juice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621689)




	20. 0.3

You are Goro Akechi. You come home from a long day of robbing banks to impress your sworn rival who you pine after and dream of kissing antagonistically under the moonlight. You use the money to light the fireplace, warming up your apartment.

The flames rise and burn a pattern into the fireplace's glass door. When you get closer to examine it, you see it's actually words and numbers.

They read: "(3/4) https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/__ __ 38 __". You should probably take a picture or something of this strange occurence so the landlord will finally believe you that this apartment is haunted.

You have plans for later today, but right now, an incessant beeping catches your attention. It's your roomba, the only thing that you ever bought with the stolen money. It knocks against your feet and beeps at you yearningly; you haven't fed it yet today. And it looks like you already burnt all of today's money.

WHAT WILL YOU FEED THE ROOMBA?

  1. [Your favourite sock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619631)
  2. [Crumpled up picture of Ren](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620273)
  3. [1000 Yen note](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621479)
  4. [orange juice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621689)




	21. 0.4

You are Goro Akechi, feeling as if revived from the dead. You come home from a long day of NOT murdering your way around Tokyo for sport because you were too tired and pining after your achingly straight rival who you have vague memories of secondhand-stabbing his ankle and kissing him antagonistically under the moonlight.

There's a pentagram drawn in red in the middle of your living room, an ominous note in the middle of it that reads: "(4/4) https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/__ __ __ 70". You feel as if you should jot that down for later as you clean away the ketchup, telling yourself that you must have spilled it in a weird shape by accident.

You have plans for later today, but right now, an incessant beeping catches your attention. It's your roomba, the only other cursed existence besides yourself in this household. Hatred, even malice fills you at the sight. It knocks against your feet and beeps at you yearningly; you haven't fed it yet today. For all you care it can starve to death, but then again, it was expensive.

WHAT WILL YOU FEED THE ROOMBA?

  1. [Your favourite sock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73619631)
  2. [Crumpled up picture of Ren](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73620273)
  3. [1000 Yen note](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621479)
  4. [orange juice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73621689)




	22. -

You are Goro Akechi. You come home from a long day of murdering your way around Tokyo for sport and pining after your achingly straight rival who you dream of kissing antagonistically under the moonlight.

You have plans for later today, but right now, an incessant beeping catches your attention. It's your roomba, the only thing in this life that has ever mattered to you. It knocks against your feet and beeps at you yearningly; you haven't fed it yet today.

WHAT WILL YOU FEED THE ROOMBA?

  1. Crumpled up picture of [[REDACTED]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73623924)




	23. --

You take your most prized possession out of your pocket: A crumpled polaroid of you and-

In shock, you stare at the photograph. It shifts and changes before your eyes until it finally shows a still image:

A picture of your roomba from when it was still young and innocent. There's not a trace of malice in its doe red eyes. They remind you of your own back when you were still a child. A single tear escapes you. What happened? How did you raise it to be almost as murderous as you? Where did you go wrong?

You crumple the picture up, preparing to feed it to your roomba, but you find it's not there anymore. Out of the corner of your eye, you spot the appliance hurriedly rounding a corner. Confused, you follow.

You find yourself in front of a white door, the roomba nowhere in sight. You briefly wonder how this door came to be in your apartment. Then again, it's not like anything about this whole reincarnation roomba plot makes any sense.

You step through into blinding white light that makes you close your eyes instinctively.

When you open your eyes slowly, you're shocked to see a giant roomba- _your_ giant roomba in front of you. It's just sitting there, staring at you with its big, red, frightening eyes.

"Akechi?" you hear a familiar voice from behind you and turn to find Ren approaching you. "I was wondering when you'd arrive," he continues, smiling at you softly. A thousand images flash before you: you and Ren sharing crepes, Ren being sad at the jazz club because you're late, you not knowing what to make him for dinner, Ren and you taking a picture together with him exclaiming how beautiful you are.

You think you understand now.

Ren's eyes brighten. He assumes a fighting stance, so achingly reminiscent of how he acted as Joker in the metaverse. "Ready?"

WILL YOU:  
  
a) [Fight the overlord of time and space with Ren to take back your reality and get out of this everlasting loop that has cursed you to live a miserable existence forever, confined to the same point in time just to amuse strangers on the internet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73625394)  
b) [oh god oh fuck he's so sexy i can't NOT kiss him](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73628433)  
c) [craft your muscles in minecraft](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911884/chapters/73630347)


	24. -a-

You forgot how shitty you are at quicktime events. Remember the orange juice incident? Yeah, that's what you get for forgetting your past lives.

The giant roomba overlord unleashes a barrage of hellish mechanical sounds to stun you. You can't cover your ears in time and freeze on the spot. Ren expertly dodges as always, though, summoning his persona—did he summon a fucking roomba persona?—to fight back.

The roomba lashes out, but strangely, it doesn't aim at you and instead whips at its surroundings. You're confused until you notice it: the world starts crumbling around you.

Suddenly, a hole opens up beneath you. You cry out, your hand reaching out to Ren, but he's slipping away, you're slipping away, reality—was it ever reality?—crumbles around you, leaving you to fall, fall, fall-

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You are Goro Akechi, and you haven't yet fed your roomba today.

ENDING A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congrats on reaching ending A! you were sensible about your choices but when did goro akechi ever cooperate when it came to saving him huh  
> try your hand at another secret ending? if you can even handle more of this story. I know I can't.
> 
> why does ren have a roomba persona? if sophie can have floating boxes and futaba a tetrahedron then he can have a roomba.


	25. -b-

You've yearned for approximately four to twelve time loops with the most action you have gotten opening a fucking sock shop with Ren, so you think it's only appropriate for you to flip whatever the giant thing in front of you is off and grab your rival by his shirt to make out with him.

It's honestly the best decision you've ever made when you feel Ren kissing you back, his hands slipping around your waist to pull you impossibly close. It's also apparently the right one as the roomba starts whirring in fear.

The sheer force of your yearning finally flowing out of you paralyses the roomba and fries its circuits. You can't even bring yourself to care about your lifelong cleaning companion dying a painful electronical death, too busy indulging in the finer pleasures of life (Ren).

At some point, everything goes white.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You blink and stand in your apartment. No roomba in sight. You sigh and rub your temples; what kind of terrible dream was that?

Your musing gets interrupted by the doorbell. It's Ren. You completely forgot that you two made plans for today!

"Hey babe." He grins at you and pushes past you, making his way into the apartment. There's a heavy box in his hands. "Sorry I'm late. Had to pick up my gift for you."

You stare uselessly. Babe? A gift? For you? It's not your birthday, is it?

Ren just smiles ominously as you rip off the wrapping paper and then open the plain looking brown box. You come face to face with-

Red eyes, staring up at you maliciously. Gleefully. Murderously.

"Give me the food, parental unit."

ENDING B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it talks. ren what did you do. ren.  
> you're interested in the lore behind this? huh? is that how it is? well  
> I don't have a clue myself. It's 5 in the morning and I'm writing whatever comes to mind  
> anyway the last line lives in my head rent free
> 
> spoiler time ending c is the true ending so go get that if you haven't yet


	26. -c-

You quickly get to collecting planks and make your trusty crafting table. Then you get to work. Ren watches in wonder how you're cheating the laws of nature by simply crafting your muscles. No more wondering if you should have done the cleaning instead of buying a cursed roomba to do your chores for you—you're buff and ready to fight! You won't ever drop Ren and his crepe again!

Buff and prepared, you get into a heated fistfight with your roomba. Intense orchestral music plays in the background. The theme even has lyrics, which lets you know that it's really a boss fight. Ren cheers you on with the enthusiasm of a seller at the junk market trying to get rid of his overpriced potato peelers. You feel determined.

It's a gruesome battle and you know that it can only end in the death of either of you. But as you stare into your roomba's evilly glowing red eyes, you realise you don't want this outcome. No, this is all your fault—had you not raised your roomba son to have the same fatal flaws you have (mainly, a craving for murder and strange food) this would have never happened.

When your final blow connects with the metallic body, you collapse onto your buff knees. "I can't bear fighting you any longer," you cry out. "Let's go home together, roomba-san."

For a moment, you think you're done for. You're entirely exposed to any fatal blow the roomba might land on you now. But then you hear a few metallic sounds that strangely sound like sobbing.

You cradle the giant roomba into your buff arms, crying tears of your own. You'll never feed it weird things again or endorse any murderous urges with knives.

You and Ren return to your true reality, your round son held tightly in your arms.

A few weeks later, Ren and his own roomba move in with you. Your roomba son quickly finds a new playmate in Ren's roomba daughter. Together, you four make a lovely family picture. It's everything you could ever wish for and more.

You've also discovered a charging port on your roomba and feed it the regular way now. Nothing strange occurs anymore.

ENDING C

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are we still here. just to suffer. look I'm all for buffkechi but not like this.  
> please follow the Buff Minecraft Joker bot on twitter. his tweets keep me going each day.
> 
> Thank you for sticking along for the ride!!! I had illegal amounts of fun writing this (not so much with the linking part and HTML but oh well).  
> I promise I can actually write well. I just... chose not to for this one. Pray for me to get my contribution to P5 Girls Week finished in time. oh and that assassin ballroom dancing AU I told you about earlier. really attached to that one.
> 
> Once again, come talk to me on twitter!!! I post shitty Goro takes and cry about akeshuake  
> https://twitter.com/Laurentiiia


End file.
